A Confession

Hello my name is Dennis and I have a fear of doctors.

Not really a fear of doctors, but a fear of being yelled at by them because I haven't been to one in years. I tried once about two years ago when I had a cold, and it went really badly, and even though I changed my primary care physician years ago I still haven't gone.

I think it stems back to a time long ago when I went to that glorious of all Catholic rituals: Confession.

I was nine and it was the Christmas season. I grew up in a very old-school church in McKeesport, PA. The church is very marble-y and cold in my memories of it. I remember being told things like "I don't help Sunday school kids, I only help everyday school kids," from a nun who misunderstood some of the teachings of Jesus.

It was very important that we take confession before the holiday, and I was especially horrified because it had been about 5 months since I had last stepped foot into the room. The room was not a room per se, but a closet with enough room to kneel down and a tiny little light behind a tiny little vent with probably no purpose at all because it was almost at floor level.

Being so scared I blanked on my Act of Contrition and had to start over. It felt like an eternity and when it was all over I was scolded for waiting five months to come to confession. I had so much to confess you see, as I had committed murder and adultery in that time, oh wait, actually it was being mean to my brother and looking at "dirty pictures."

My oversensitive soul crumbled at being such an offensive boy and I wanted to cry the whole way home, and then some more. And then even more.

Every time I visit home, I vaguely want to go visit that church that I stopped going to in high school for a church with a lighted confessional and a much more loving atmosphere. It still has quite an effect on me: Even now, I worry that my long absence will get me into trouble.

Today I stood up to the demons of my past and decided to make an appointment with the new doctor's office. I am afraid that I will hear something like "If you came sooner we would not have to remove your head. You are a disgrace."

I at least will keep my head until next Tuesday.